rix rantz ravz & revelashunz

Here's my imaginary scenario. Abraham is played by Billy Crystal, Carl Reiner or Mel Brooks and Sarah is played by (I can't remember her name but can see her face) who played Miracle Max's wife in "The Princess Bride".

"Avram! Avram!"

Rolls eyes, "What now, my little Princess?"

"Avram. What was it again that the angels said to you?"

"About what, my little sugar plum?"

"Avram, don't be goy with me. What was the promise?"

Sighs and repeats in a sing-song voice, holding hands palms up in resignation, "Dat I would be da father of a great nation and dat I would be blessed and be a blessing to da woild." (It's hard to type with an accent. Y'all fill it in on your own from here.)

"Aha! Aha!"

"What's aha?"

"Aha. I see it now. The promise said you would be the father, no?"

Shrugs.

"Uh huh. Exactly."

"What's exactly?"

"I knew it."

"What did you know? Could you fill me in? I mean the promise was to me and you would think that I would be the one to know what it is, eh? But look who knows so much, the one who WASN'T EVEN THERE and has to ask me EVERY DAY 'What was the promise? What did the angel say?' So are you going to tell me what you know so much that I don't even know myself?"

"Think about it, Avram. What did the angel NOT say?"

"What do you mean 'What did the angel not say?' There was a lot the angel did not say. The angel did not say 'Hey, Avram, nice weather we're having, isn't it?' The angel didn't say, 'Brooklyn hasn't been the same since the Dodgers left.' The angel didn't say, 'Where can I get a good pastrami around here. The last place had so much fat I thought I was going to gag.' What do you mean 'What did the angel not say?' "

"Eh, men. You always think you know so much. If your nose wasn't on the front of your face you'd never be able to find it. Hmpf."

"OK. So what did the angel not say?"

Sarah goes back to making dinner.

"Oh, so now you won't talk. I tell you to shut up you keep talking. I ask you for your opinion and now you shut up."

Still kneading bread dough on floured board.

"So maybe I should ask your opinion more often. That way I can get some peace and quiet."

"Men."

"What's that? What did you say my sweet honey cake?"

"Men. All you think about is yourself."

"That's right. All I think about is myself. I got me a nice tent to lug around the desert for who? For me, you say. So if it's for me, then why am I never in it? I'm always out in the field."

"That's not what I mean."

"Oh, no, it's the jewelry that I bought from the Midianites. That's it. I only bought that for myself. I just forgot to put it on this morning."

"You know what I'm talking about."

"I know? I know what you're talking about? If I knew what you were talking about would I have to be asking? I could be out feeding the goats and camels, but no I have to stand here all day listeing to you tell me what I already know. So what do I already know already?"

"The promise."

"Yes. I know the promise."

"It was to you."

"Yes, the promise was to me."

Sarah stops and looks at Abraham, her eyes beginning to well up with tears.

"What's the matter? Why are you crying?"

"Because your promise was to you. It wasn't a promise to me."

"What do you mean? Of course it was to you too."

"Avram, how can you say that. Every day I ask you to tell me the promise and every day you say the promise to me. And every day I hear that you are going to be a great Father."

"So? Why is that making you cry?"

"Don't you see, Avram? You are to be a great Father, but there is nothing in the promise that says I am going to be a great mother."

"What do you mean? Don't be ridiculous. Of course you are going to be the mother. Who else would be the mother?"

"I don't know, Avram. God only knows."

"Sarah, my sweet desert rose blossom, how could there be any other mother? It must be you. I have no other wife."

"But Avram, the problem is with me. You can be a father but I cannot be a mother."

"Of course you can. It will be a miracle from God."

"A miracle. Did the angel say anything about miracles? Was that in the promise? If it was I didn't hear you say anything about it. Are you not telling me all the promise? Are you holding something back from me?"

"Well there must be a miracle. If I am to be a father, then there would have to be a miracle for you to be a mother."

"Only there was no miracle in the promise, was there?"

Abraham is silent.

"See? See? No miracle. I knew it."

"But there has to be a miracle."

"Does there? If there was to be a miracle, don't you think the angel would have told you?"

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"Avram! There is no miracle. But there is a promise. You are to be a father. I cannot possibly be the mother of God would have opened my womb. So that can only mean one thing."

"What?"

"Someone else will be the mother."

"(expletive deleted)"

"No, Avram, I mean it. I have a slave. Let her be the mother and when she carries the child, I will have her deliver it into my lap. We will raise it as our son. That way you can be a Father, even if I cannot be a mother."

"No. No, Sarah, I cannot. I will not."

Sarah, in tears now, "But, Avram. I have no other answer. We are getting old. Our time will be short. Let me live long enough to see you father a son. I don't have to be the mother. This I will give up. I want to see the promise come true. I am not getting any younger or any better. You should act now while you still can. You can be the father now but if we wait, who knows?"

And after days of the same thing, finally Abraham relents and goes in to Hagar and the rest is history....