4.22.2005
4.19.2005
A Conversation between Abraham and Sarah
Here's my imaginary scenario. Abraham is played by Billy Crystal, Carl Reiner or Mel Brooks and Sarah is played by (I can't remember her name but can see her face) who played Miracle Max's wife in "The Princess Bride".
"Avram! Avram!"
Rolls eyes, "What now, my little Princess?"
"Avram. What was it again that the angels said to you?"
"About what, my little sugar plum?"
"Avram, don't be goy with me. What was the promise?"
Sighs and repeats in a sing-song voice, holding hands palms up in resignation, "Dat I would be da father of a great nation and dat I would be blessed and be a blessing to da woild." (It's hard to type with an accent. Y'all fill it in on your own from here.)
"Aha! Aha!"
"What's aha?"
"Aha. I see it now. The promise said you would be the father, no?"
Shrugs.
"Uh huh. Exactly."
"What's exactly?"
"I knew it."
"What did you know? Could you fill me in? I mean the promise was to me and you would think that I would be the one to know what it is, eh? But look who knows so much, the one who WASN'T EVEN THERE and has to ask me EVERY DAY 'What was the promise? What did the angel say?' So are you going to tell me what you know so much that I don't even know myself?"
"Think about it, Avram. What did the angel NOT say?"
"What do you mean 'What did the angel not say?' There was a lot the angel did not say. The angel did not say 'Hey, Avram, nice weather we're having, isn't it?' The angel didn't say, 'Brooklyn hasn't been the same since the Dodgers left.' The angel didn't say, 'Where can I get a good pastrami around here. The last place had so much fat I thought I was going to gag.' What do you mean 'What did the angel not say?' "
"Eh, men. You always think you know so much. If your nose wasn't on the front of your face you'd never be able to find it. Hmpf."
"OK. So what did the angel not say?"
Sarah goes back to making dinner.
"Oh, so now you won't talk. I tell you to shut up you keep talking. I ask you for your opinion and now you shut up."
Still kneading bread dough on floured board.
"So maybe I should ask your opinion more often. That way I can get some peace and quiet."
"Men."
"What's that? What did you say my sweet honey cake?"
"Men. All you think about is yourself."
"That's right. All I think about is myself. I got me a nice tent to lug around the desert for who? For me, you say. So if it's for me, then why am I never in it? I'm always out in the field."
"That's not what I mean."
"Oh, no, it's the jewelry that I bought from the Midianites. That's it. I only bought that for myself. I just forgot to put it on this morning."
"You know what I'm talking about."
"I know? I know what you're talking about? If I knew what you were talking about would I have to be asking? I could be out feeding the goats and camels, but no I have to stand here all day listeing to you tell me what I already know. So what do I already know already?"
"The promise."
"Yes. I know the promise."
"It was to you."
"Yes, the promise was to me."
Sarah stops and looks at Abraham, her eyes beginning to well up with tears.
"What's the matter? Why are you crying?"
"Because your promise was to you. It wasn't a promise to me."
"What do you mean? Of course it was to you too."
"Avram, how can you say that. Every day I ask you to tell me the promise and every day you say the promise to me. And every day I hear that you are going to be a great Father."
"So? Why is that making you cry?"
"Don't you see, Avram? You are to be a great Father, but there is nothing in the promise that says I am going to be a great mother."
"What do you mean? Don't be ridiculous. Of course you are going to be the mother. Who else would be the mother?"
"I don't know, Avram. God only knows."
"Sarah, my sweet desert rose blossom, how could there be any other mother? It must be you. I have no other wife."
"But Avram, the problem is with me. You can be a father but I cannot be a mother."
"Of course you can. It will be a miracle from God."
"A miracle. Did the angel say anything about miracles? Was that in the promise? If it was I didn't hear you say anything about it. Are you not telling me all the promise? Are you holding something back from me?"
"Well there must be a miracle. If I am to be a father, then there would have to be a miracle for you to be a mother."
"Only there was no miracle in the promise, was there?"
Abraham is silent.
"See? See? No miracle. I knew it."
"But there has to be a miracle."
"Does there? If there was to be a miracle, don't you think the angel would have told you?"
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"Avram! There is no miracle. But there is a promise. You are to be a father. I cannot possibly be the mother of God would have opened my womb. So that can only mean one thing."
"What?"
"Someone else will be the mother."
"(expletive deleted)"
"No, Avram, I mean it. I have a slave. Let her be the mother and when she carries the child, I will have her deliver it into my lap. We will raise it as our son. That way you can be a Father, even if I cannot be a mother."
"No. No, Sarah, I cannot. I will not."
Sarah, in tears now, "But, Avram. I have no other answer. We are getting old. Our time will be short. Let me live long enough to see you father a son. I don't have to be the mother. This I will give up. I want to see the promise come true. I am not getting any younger or any better. You should act now while you still can. You can be the father now but if we wait, who knows?"
And after days of the same thing, finally Abraham relents and goes in to Hagar and the rest is history....
"Avram! Avram!"
Rolls eyes, "What now, my little Princess?"
"Avram. What was it again that the angels said to you?"
"About what, my little sugar plum?"
"Avram, don't be goy with me. What was the promise?"
Sighs and repeats in a sing-song voice, holding hands palms up in resignation, "Dat I would be da father of a great nation and dat I would be blessed and be a blessing to da woild." (It's hard to type with an accent. Y'all fill it in on your own from here.)
"Aha! Aha!"
"What's aha?"
"Aha. I see it now. The promise said you would be the father, no?"
Shrugs.
"Uh huh. Exactly."
"What's exactly?"
"I knew it."
"What did you know? Could you fill me in? I mean the promise was to me and you would think that I would be the one to know what it is, eh? But look who knows so much, the one who WASN'T EVEN THERE and has to ask me EVERY DAY 'What was the promise? What did the angel say?' So are you going to tell me what you know so much that I don't even know myself?"
"Think about it, Avram. What did the angel NOT say?"
"What do you mean 'What did the angel not say?' There was a lot the angel did not say. The angel did not say 'Hey, Avram, nice weather we're having, isn't it?' The angel didn't say, 'Brooklyn hasn't been the same since the Dodgers left.' The angel didn't say, 'Where can I get a good pastrami around here. The last place had so much fat I thought I was going to gag.' What do you mean 'What did the angel not say?' "
"Eh, men. You always think you know so much. If your nose wasn't on the front of your face you'd never be able to find it. Hmpf."
"OK. So what did the angel not say?"
Sarah goes back to making dinner.
"Oh, so now you won't talk. I tell you to shut up you keep talking. I ask you for your opinion and now you shut up."
Still kneading bread dough on floured board.
"So maybe I should ask your opinion more often. That way I can get some peace and quiet."
"Men."
"What's that? What did you say my sweet honey cake?"
"Men. All you think about is yourself."
"That's right. All I think about is myself. I got me a nice tent to lug around the desert for who? For me, you say. So if it's for me, then why am I never in it? I'm always out in the field."
"That's not what I mean."
"Oh, no, it's the jewelry that I bought from the Midianites. That's it. I only bought that for myself. I just forgot to put it on this morning."
"You know what I'm talking about."
"I know? I know what you're talking about? If I knew what you were talking about would I have to be asking? I could be out feeding the goats and camels, but no I have to stand here all day listeing to you tell me what I already know. So what do I already know already?"
"The promise."
"Yes. I know the promise."
"It was to you."
"Yes, the promise was to me."
Sarah stops and looks at Abraham, her eyes beginning to well up with tears.
"What's the matter? Why are you crying?"
"Because your promise was to you. It wasn't a promise to me."
"What do you mean? Of course it was to you too."
"Avram, how can you say that. Every day I ask you to tell me the promise and every day you say the promise to me. And every day I hear that you are going to be a great Father."
"So? Why is that making you cry?"
"Don't you see, Avram? You are to be a great Father, but there is nothing in the promise that says I am going to be a great mother."
"What do you mean? Don't be ridiculous. Of course you are going to be the mother. Who else would be the mother?"
"I don't know, Avram. God only knows."
"Sarah, my sweet desert rose blossom, how could there be any other mother? It must be you. I have no other wife."
"But Avram, the problem is with me. You can be a father but I cannot be a mother."
"Of course you can. It will be a miracle from God."
"A miracle. Did the angel say anything about miracles? Was that in the promise? If it was I didn't hear you say anything about it. Are you not telling me all the promise? Are you holding something back from me?"
"Well there must be a miracle. If I am to be a father, then there would have to be a miracle for you to be a mother."
"Only there was no miracle in the promise, was there?"
Abraham is silent.
"See? See? No miracle. I knew it."
"But there has to be a miracle."
"Does there? If there was to be a miracle, don't you think the angel would have told you?"
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"Avram! There is no miracle. But there is a promise. You are to be a father. I cannot possibly be the mother of God would have opened my womb. So that can only mean one thing."
"What?"
"Someone else will be the mother."
"(expletive deleted)"
"No, Avram, I mean it. I have a slave. Let her be the mother and when she carries the child, I will have her deliver it into my lap. We will raise it as our son. That way you can be a Father, even if I cannot be a mother."
"No. No, Sarah, I cannot. I will not."
Sarah, in tears now, "But, Avram. I have no other answer. We are getting old. Our time will be short. Let me live long enough to see you father a son. I don't have to be the mother. This I will give up. I want to see the promise come true. I am not getting any younger or any better. You should act now while you still can. You can be the father now but if we wait, who knows?"
And after days of the same thing, finally Abraham relents and goes in to Hagar and the rest is history....
4.16.2005
Jesus Junk
I was thinking about Jesus Junk on the drive home last night after watching a car with fish symbol behave badly in traffic.
One of the reasons I don't wear Jesus Junk is because I don't want to reflect badly on the "brand" name. I'm not sure how good a representative I am of Jesus. I mean, would Jesus want someone like me walking around wearing an "I'm With Jesus" slogan on the back of a T-shirt? Especially when the front says "Hi. I'm A Sinner And..."?
But as I reflected on the gospels at 35 mph on a 4 lane freeway designed to handle speeds in excess of 70 mph in misnamed rush hour traffic, surrounded by ironies, I came to the ironical conclusion that Yes! I am EXACTLY the kind of person Jesus wants representing him on this earth. I'm right there with the guy that was running naked through the tombs, with the woman caught in adultery, with the greedy tax collector up a tree, the impetuous self-promoting fishermen. I'm all them. And more. Only worse.
So maybe I should stop trying to protect Jesus' reputation and let everyone know I'm a follower of him. A crippled, halting, stumbling, imperfect follower, sure; but a follower nonetheless. I may not follow well or closely but I am doggedly persistent. I will make big mistakes along the way but isn't that who Jesus is looking for? Honest people who depend on Him to get them through life? Didn't he come to seek and to save the lost rather than the found? Heal the sick rather than the ones who don't need a doctor? Well I definitely need the Doctor.
Come to think of it, all those hospital and drug testimonials come from a bunch of sick people don't they? It's the bald kid getting chemotherapy advertising Children's Hospital's cancer treatment center, not the cute little cherub who is the picture of health. "Undergoing Treatment" may not be a bad slogan for a Christian bumper sticker.
Maybe I will get the T-shirt. I wonder if they have that one at the Jesus Junk Store?
One of the reasons I don't wear Jesus Junk is because I don't want to reflect badly on the "brand" name. I'm not sure how good a representative I am of Jesus. I mean, would Jesus want someone like me walking around wearing an "I'm With Jesus" slogan on the back of a T-shirt? Especially when the front says "Hi. I'm A Sinner And..."?
But as I reflected on the gospels at 35 mph on a 4 lane freeway designed to handle speeds in excess of 70 mph in misnamed rush hour traffic, surrounded by ironies, I came to the ironical conclusion that Yes! I am EXACTLY the kind of person Jesus wants representing him on this earth. I'm right there with the guy that was running naked through the tombs, with the woman caught in adultery, with the greedy tax collector up a tree, the impetuous self-promoting fishermen. I'm all them. And more. Only worse.
So maybe I should stop trying to protect Jesus' reputation and let everyone know I'm a follower of him. A crippled, halting, stumbling, imperfect follower, sure; but a follower nonetheless. I may not follow well or closely but I am doggedly persistent. I will make big mistakes along the way but isn't that who Jesus is looking for? Honest people who depend on Him to get them through life? Didn't he come to seek and to save the lost rather than the found? Heal the sick rather than the ones who don't need a doctor? Well I definitely need the Doctor.
Come to think of it, all those hospital and drug testimonials come from a bunch of sick people don't they? It's the bald kid getting chemotherapy advertising Children's Hospital's cancer treatment center, not the cute little cherub who is the picture of health. "Undergoing Treatment" may not be a bad slogan for a Christian bumper sticker.
Maybe I will get the T-shirt. I wonder if they have that one at the Jesus Junk Store?
